I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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