Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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