I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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