Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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