i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
