Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
