I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize