theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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