my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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