you guys were way drunker than both of me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
