Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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