Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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