apparently the secret to your success is patron
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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