The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
