I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
