I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
