just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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