if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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