does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
