We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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