I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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