Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
