Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
