Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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