Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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