I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
