My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So apparently I’m into choking now
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