And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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