I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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