I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
