I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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