Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
