I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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