I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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