Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
