so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
