i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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