My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
