Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she looked like the before picture.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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