Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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