Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
