Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize