I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
