Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
