dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
