Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
