I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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