phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
