I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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