I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My vagina just recognized that song.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
