She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize