the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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