I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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