my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
