Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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