And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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