I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just high enough for therapy.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
